Pain. Doctor, Nurses, IVS. Bright Lights. Fear.
13 years ago today, I gave birth to my first born child. A little bouncing baby girl. 6lbs. 6oz.
Let me tell you, a lot can change in your life after the birth of you first child. I was 18. Young, scared, but oh so excited when I laid eyes on her. Something in me changed that day. If you have children you understand that feeling. When you hold your newborn for the first time. All the commotion, all the pain, it fades into the background. Holding this brand new life in your arms triggers a deep emotion. An unconditional love that cannot be explained. I could sit here and try my best to describe it, but I would fall short.
I committed to myself the day my first was born, that I was going to protect her from all the bad things in life. I promised to keep her safe, love her, cherish her, and I was on a mission to be the best mother I could be.
The past 13 years have been a bumpy ride. I could not shelter her from life. Despite my best attempts, life is life. It’s not easy, it’s unfair, and cruel. It has it’s good times, don’t get me wrong. Our family is like a lot of families out there. She has experienced divorce, drug addiction, families ripped apart, and this year, she got her first real experience with death.
Tears are flowing from my eyes as I write this. These are things I committed to shelter her from. I failed. I am only human. Life happens, waves come, storms whip through our lives, and no matter how much control we think we are have, in the end we are all just humans.
At age 22, I went through a very tough time in my life and sadly, my daughter was on the sidelines as her mother had to learn the hard lesson in life. I am not in control. My failed attempts, my best laid plans, my best intentions all failed and ended in destruction. It wasn’t until then, that God opened my eyes and heart and showed me what true unconditional love really was. I did not know I needed a Savior, heck, before then, I didn’t want one!
I sit here, almost 9 years later in complete awe at what changes the Lord has brought to my life and the life of my children because of his mercy and grace. I am now the proud mother of 5 beautiful children. 3 that grew under my heart and 2 step children who grew in it. Do I know now that I cannot shelter them from all of the evilness and sin in the world? Absolutely! Do I try, well of course, I am a sinful human who from time to time has to remind myself that I am not God. But I have a hope that a lot of others do not have. I know that Jesus loves my children far more than I ever could. And I know that He is watching over them. Whatever life throws our way. God is always faithful. He knows what is best for my children. I take great comfort in knowing that the Creator of the universe has my children’s best interest in mind. He knows how their story begins and ends.
Psalms 139:13-16 For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
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