“In tears we saw you sinking, We watched you fade away,
Our hearts were almost broken, you fought so hard to stay,
But when we saw you sleeping, so peaceful from the pain,
We could not wish you back again, To suffer that again.”
Yesterday was the first Christmas of many I will spend without my mom. There was much sorrow and many tears. I took a butterfly to her grave. Her “final” resting place here on earth. I wept over the grave knowing she was not there. But the memories I have from the day I sat her urn in the ground, dropped my note inside the velvet bag, and scooped the first shovel of dirt on top of her remains. These memories were vivid and replayed in my mind. I flashed back to being a 5 year old child who sat their with her mother the day we put my father in the ground. Freezing cold winter and a folded flag. I looked over and saw my grandparents grave. I was there for that too. Barely a teenager on that hot summer day in August as we lay our dear Emma Lee in the ground. Pink flowers surrounded the casket. My grandfather soon followed that next dreary winter… through the tears and through the pain. These memories still remain.
The above quote is something my husband said to me yesterday. The pain, He knows I can handle it because HE is able to handle it. My strength comes from the Lord, not by my own will. Missing my mom will be a constant battle day by day. As Chris Tomlin says in one of my favorite songs, “I know who goes before me, I know who stands behind. The God of Angel armies is always by my side.” So even on my darkest days (like yesterday) and in my darkest hours, God is by my side. His hands are holding me always. I may not always feel them, I may not always want them. But they are always there for me because of His faithfulness.
I love you Mom. I always will. I know your first Christmas in Heaven was amazing.