Yesterday #80 enrolled on our Pink Zebra team. I am having to wipe back tears of joy as I type this. Our goals and dreams are slowly coming true. Kenan and I are learning so much through the journey. It has not been easy but it sure is worth it. When I think that just 19 months ago my life changed forever. My mother let out her last breath and her spirit went to the Lord, not only did I collapse physically, I collapsed on the inside far worse. Only God knows how bad it was.
I was on the brink of destruction. I would walk out into the woods surrounding our home and weep, cry, beg, plead, and sometimes scream at God. The pain inside was to heavy to bear. I needed Him. He was the only one who could help. God used my husband, family, and friends to comfort me. Only God could start healing my pain, the hidden pain no one else could see. I remember one time laying under a beautiful oak tree. Nice blue sky. Early Spring. My prayer started with, “Oh God, what do I do? I’m lost. I NEED my mom. I can’t make it without her in this life. I need to see her one more time. I need to hear her voice just once more. I don’t know what I am supposed to do now. I never imagined life without my mother in it. God take me and use me. I am broken, show me your Will and take this pain!” It was a hard season in my life and the life of my family. It was one of my defining moments in this life. The images of my mother’s body kept replaying in my head. The images on placing her urn into the soil on top of my father’s grave and throwing the first pile of dirt on what remained of my parents. My mother was reduced to a pretty vase. My father, 6 feet below her. I had nightmares for months and months. Same theme different setting. It was always the funeral. Always trying to make the arrangements. I longed to see my mother again in my dreams if only for a little while but I still have yet to see her. Just the images of after she died. I have had a hard life. I have faced trials of many kinds that most people probably wouldn’t believe if I told them. Losing her was the worst pain I have ever felt and still feel to this day.
God has graciously picked me up, dusted me off, and bandaged me back together through His Word and His children.
When Pink Zebra came along, through lots of prayer, Kenan and I knew that this was God’s Will for our family. The many months of crying in God’s arms about what do I do now were answered. His answer was a simple one. God has a way of doing that. Taking our most complicated, messiest, most desperate situations and giving us a simple solution. What’s funny is He knew the answer before I was ever born. Before the world began He knew I would be down on my knees in pain with the worst broken mess I had ever been. His answer to my pleading?
I have always loved music. I heal through music. I can relate to so many different lyrics to so many different songs. Planning the music line up for my mother’s funeral was a challenge for me. Too many songs, not enough time. I wanted every person in that room to feel the passion and pain in each song. There is one song that stands out after my mother passed away. I put this song on repeat and cried like a baby over and over. Check out “Need You Now” by Plumb. These were my desperate pleas with God.
Sunday will be my mother’s birthday. It feels weird not planning a celebration, picking out a gift, and the perfect card. She loved her birthdays and loved to be showered with attention and gifts. So, my gift to you is this blog post for my mother’s birthday. I hope and pray that whatever you are going through, whatever your darkness is, something in this post will give you a glimmer of hope. A spark of purpose. A feeling of knowing, you are not alone. You’re never alone.
I have been blessed with the gift of pain. The gift of caring more deeply and loving more intensely than I ever did before. This gift of pain I bear has helped me to help others. To encourage others, cry with others, and praise with others. This my friends is biblical. This is God’s Will for us in Christ Jesus. He answers our prayers always. His Will for my life is using my pain. The path He chooses to work out those details is always different. Who would have thought He would be using Pink Zebra to bring people into my life for me to cry with and love on? I never would have guessed it. His ways our higher than our ways. God can and will bless you in your pain. Cry out to Him!
God is bringing our craziest dreams into reality. We see His hand in our daily lives and feel so unworthy. Who would have thought those trivial prayers I have prayed would become something that He is doing in our lives. Greater than ever expected. Who would have thought that our dreams and passion could align with God’s Will for our lives. Hmm. He never ceases to amaze me. He alone brought me back from the brink of destruction.
If you are hurting today, take the time to cry out to Jesus. He will hear you. You are not alone. Things will happen and mountains will move. Stay faithful, TRUST HIM!
Visit me online at sprinklesoffaith.com