My Why – My Butterfly

My Why?

One thing I’ve been told by a lot of influential business colleages is to share with people my why.  Why, did you start your business.  Why, did you decide this was a good decision for your family.  My why is not pretty.  It’s not covered in roses and painted with rainbows.  My why is painful.

Let me just start by saying that I have not had an easy life.  It’s been a rough 31 years.  I have had more joy than I can imagine thanks be to God, but I have also gone through many raging storms.  2013 was my biggest storm to date.  

April of 2010 – I received a phone call that would forever change my life.  My elderly, disabled mother called me hysterically in tears.  Her “husband” had left her.  Went to work, drained the bank account, and never looked back.  What do you do when you hear someone you love in that much pain.   You do what you have to do.  After a month of trips back and forth to Houston which is about 2 hours away from me.  My mother came to live with us.  We had home health come in, sent her to specialist, got her eating healthy again, and helped regulate her medication.  On Mother’s Day of that year, she had a nasty fall.  Into the hospital she went.  This happened a lot with my mother though.  In and out of hospitals as long as I can remember.  What they thought was a broken hip turned out to be an old fracture that had healed.   The doctor said she would need to go into a nursing home.   I heard my heart shatter.  How do you put your mother into a nursing home?!  How? I cried out, “God give me strength!” 

The day she was transported to the nursing home, something happened to me that day.  I can’t begin to describe it.  There are no words for the emotion.  I walked into this little room and saw my mother laying in this tiny bed.  She cried and cried because for the first time since she was a toddler, she was in a diaper again.  I can’t imagine what she was feeling at that time.  What does that do to a person?  To have that one simple act of free will stripped from you. 

For over 3 years we, and I say we because I was right there with her, battled drug addiction, depression, threats of suicide, and loss of all hope of her ever walking again.  There for a while we all thought she was doing better.  I think she just found a new normal.  Facebook games and bingo with the other residents. 

July of 2012 she had a heart attack.  She was given blood thinners amongst other medications and released a few days later.  Shortly after her release she ran her electric wheelchair into her hospital bed.  The damage done was unimaginable!  Being a diabetic didn’t help her heal and the bleeding could not be stopped.  She went into surgery to have the dead skin removed from her legs.  We spent so many months in and out of hospitals and acute nursing facilities.  But her legs just wouldn’t heal.  After over a year of being bed ridden my mother changed.  The holiday season of 2012 was one of the most depressing for our family.  Mom would just lay in bed and stare at the wall for days on end.  Was she giving up? Maybe.  She couldn’t fight infections, her muscles were deteriorating, and her mental clarity started to fade. 

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January 28 2013 – I knew my mother was going to die soon.  It was my youngest son’s birthday, as well as mine.  She forgot.  In 31 years she had never forgotten my birthday.  She would call me early in the morning and sing to me.  I even went to visit that day and she still didn’t remember.  She just wasn’t herself.   My mom was gone.  The next day I reminded her and now I regret doing so.  She cried and cried. 

February 6th I knew something was wrong. I was headed to town and called my mom, no answer.  Odd.  I called the nursing home. No answer.  I drove up there to find out she was taken to the ER with altered mental status.  Um, hello! Shouldn’t this have been done weeks ago?  Don’t get me started on that one.  I dropped my kids off at my mother in laws and raced to the ER.  Knowing in my heart that this time was different than the other 100 times she had been there.  I walked in and she had no idea who I was.  She asked me if “I had seen her daughter ” OUCH!  God gave me the strength to help the nurses, talk to the doctors, and take action.  She needed dialysis but refused.  She was admitted and administered medicine.  Her kidneys were no longer functioning.  After 3 days of being at the hospital with her, she finally came back to reality. And we had a talk.  She was tired.  Tired of the needles, doctors, hospitals, and pain.  She wanted hospice. “What do you say in a moment like that?”  The only thing I could.  “Momma, I love you so much, I will be okay and I would never deny you heaven.”  Those words were the words she needed to hear. 

5 short days later, my mother took her final breathe.  With her family gathered around her.  She opened her eyes, saw Jesus, and went home. 

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Grief is a word we use.  But that little 5 letter word cannot even come close to describing the next 6 months of my life.  Or even now as I write this post.  My world changed, the storm raged, the devil tried everything to bring me down and keep me there.  I lost touch with friends, and reality from time to time.  How could the world keep spinning without her in it.  Like she was never here! 

I leaned on my everlasting rock, Jesus.  I cried, prayed, screamed, and cried some more.  My children felt the effects and my wonderful husband, Kenan tried his best but he is only human.

A couple months back Kenan ran across Pink Zebra on accident while trying to find some toe nail designs for my oldest daughter.  We have both been so skeptical of Direct Sales companies.  Something inside me got really excited when I read about this one.  I had never done direct sales.  I have sales experience but not with something like this.  Could this be the company for me?  Weeks of research led me to purchase my starter kit sight unseen.  And let me tell you, we did not have the money to spend on that kit.  Somehow we scrounged up enough, by the grace of God.

How could I honor my mother, even in death, and help provide for my family?  Was this the answer I had been praying for when I cried out to God so many times.  “Guide me Lord. Show me what to do with my life, direct my ways Lord.  Help me!” I believe so. 

I have dedicated my career with Pink Zebra to my mother.  Every business card I pass out has a butterfly cut out on it.  I’ll tell you the significance of the butterfly in a later post.

So what is my why?

  I have dedicated my business to my mother. To her grandchildren, and to her daughter.  I want the life she wanted for me.  I want the life God has planned for me since before time.  I want to make her proud and my heavenly father proud.  So on that day I see my mother again, I can see the smile on her face when Jesus says, “Well done my good and faithful one.”  It’s not about the money, it’s about getting up in the morning with a purpose.  Whether I want to or not. I will get up, I will put my best face forward, I will work my business, and I will make them proud.

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In loving memory of Cecilia Marie 1938-2013

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Visit me online at sprinklesoffaith

Or to join my team and share your own why click here.

God bless you and thank you for reading!  I would love hear your why?  Why do you do what you do?

emily

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About Sprinkles of Faith

I am wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend. I have 5 kids who are amazing. I enjoy home schooling, gardening, and living my simple farm life. My mother went home to be with Jesus in 2013. Through pain and heartache my husband and I started on a new adventure that is changing our lives. Pink Zebra. After less than 4 short months with the company, I promoted 3 times. I am now an Executive Manager and Kenan is a Manager! Kenan and I love working for such a great company and meeting so many new people. Sprinkles of Faith is dedicated in loving memory of my mother. Check out my website to learn more about Pink Zebra. sprinklesoffaith.com "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as for the Lord, not for men." Colossians 3:23

One thought on “My Why – My Butterfly

  1. […] while back I shared my why with you. If you haven’t read it, click here.  It was riddled in pain and tears.  Life is still not the same without my mother.  I’m […]

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